yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
