I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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