Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
