Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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