finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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