My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
