I faked an abortion last night.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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