Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
