Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
