I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
