I accidentally had phone sex last night
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Randomize
