I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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