cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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