I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
