i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
