You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
