I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
