just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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