I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
