I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
