I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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