We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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