I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You are the jesus of drinking
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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