saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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