A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
i need some magic done to my vagina
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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