i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
