Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
