I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
