Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
