I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
and she was petting her beer can
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
