I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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