now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
