Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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