Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
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