What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
