my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
