What a fucking waste of an outfit
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
