John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
