speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Randomize
