There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
