I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
It's rum buckets o'clock
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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