That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
