i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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