There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
ttyl tear gas
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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