don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
