you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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