i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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