Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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