I want to stick my p in your. b.
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
