All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
