two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
This is classic penis vs brain.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
