I hate all girls vehemently.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
