i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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